Women who have had to face domestic violence in some manner or another in our lifetime.

I was fortunate. I had a place to which I could escape. I found refuge in the arms of my Mother and my brothers. Too many women are not that fortunate. Some have met tragic, heart-wrenching fates at the hands of those who vowed to love, honor, cherish…protect. Honestly, I can scarcely allow myself to think about it.

One day I accompanied a girlfriend as she met with a police officer to discuss how she could find a safe place for herself and her young children. It was an eye-opening experience for me. The police officer offered us both so much literature. One piece in particular involved a list of signs to look for in a battering personality. I am going to share it with you now.

(I do not know where this list originated so forgive me for not being able to properly credit the author. The information is just too important not to pass on, regardless.)

SIGNS TO LOOK FOR IN A BATTERING PERSONALITY

Below is a list of behaviors seen in people who beat their partners. If the person has several (three or more) of these behaviors there is a strong potential of physical violence—the more signs a person has, the more likely the person is a batterer. In some cases the batterer may only have a couple of behaviors a woman can recognize, but they are very exaggerated (e.g., extreme jealousy). In the beginning these behaviors can be “explained” by the batterer as “love” and “concern”. However, as time goes on, these behaviors become more extreme and serve to establish, keep and strengthen power and control over the victim.

*To facilitate reading there are places where the word “he” is used to name the role of the abuser. This wording is not meant to discount the various situations in which domestic violence occurs.

1. JEALOUSY: At the beginning of a relationship an abuser will always say jealousy is a sign of love; jealousy has nothing to do with love, it’s a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. The abuser will question the woman about whom she talks to, accuse her of flirting, or be jealous of time she spends with family, friends, or children. As jealousy progresses, the abuser may call her frequently or drop by unexpectedly. The abuser may refuse to let her work saying he’s “afraid” she’ll meet someone else, or do strange things such as checking her car mileage or asking friends to watch her.

2. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: At first, the batterer will say this behavior is because of concern for the woman’s safety and well being. The abuser will be angry if the woman is “late” coming back from somewhere and will closely question her about where she went, to whom she spoke, etc. As this behavior gets worse the abuser may not let the woman make personal decisions about the house, her clothing, or going to church; he may keep all the money or even make her ask permission to leave the house or room.

3. QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Most battered women dated or knew the abusers for less than six months (many, less than three months) before they were married, living together, or engaged. An abuser comes on like a whirlwind claiming “you’re the only person I could ever talk to”, “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone”. The abuser will pressure the woman to commit to the relationship in such a way that later a woman may feel very guilty or feel she is “letting him down” if she wants to slow down involvement or break-off the relationship.

4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all of their needs; the abuser expects the woman to be the perfect wife, mother, lover, and friend; abusers will say things like “if you love me, I’m all you need—you’re all I need”. She is supposed to take care of everything for the abuser emotionally and in the home.

5. ISOLATION: The abusive person tries to cut the woman off from all resources. If she has men friends, she’s a whore; if she has women friends, she’s a lesbian; if she’s close to her family, she’s “tied to the apron strings”. The abuser accuses people who are the woman’s supports of “causing trouble”. The abuser may want to live in the country without a phone, may not let the woman use the car or have one that is reliable, or may try to keep the woman from working, going to school, or going to church.

6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS: If the abuser is chronically unemployed, someone is out to get him, someone is always trying to do him wrong. The abuser may make mistakes and then blame the women for upsetting him and keeping him from concentrating. The abuser will tell the woman she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.

7. BLAMES OTHERS FOR FEELINGS: The abuser will tell the woman “you make me mad”, “you’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you”, “I can’t help being angry”. The abuser really makes the decision about what he thinks or feels, but will use “feelings” to manipulate the woman. Less obvious are claims such as “only you can make me happy”, “you control how I feel”.

8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: An abuser is easily insulted, claiming his feelings are hurt when he is really mad, or taking the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. The abuser will rant and rave about the injustice of things that happen–things that are really just part of life, like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told a behavior is annoying, being asked to help with chores.

9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND CHILDREN: An abuser often kills or punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain and suffering. The abuser may expect children to do things that are way beyond their ability (spanks a two year old for wetting a diaper). The abuser may not want the children to eat at the table or will expect them to stay in their room all evening while the abuser is home.

10. “PLAYFUL” USE OF FORCE IN SEX: An abuser may like to throw the woman down or hold her down during sex. The abuser may want to act out fantasies during sex where the woman is helpless and will let her know the idea of rape is exciting. The abuser may show little concern about whether the woman wants to have sex and will use sulking behavior to manipulate her or anger to pressure her into compliance. The abuser may start having sex with the woman while she is sleeping or demand sex when she is ill or tired.

11. VERBAL ABUSE: In addition to saying things meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen when the abuser degrades the woman, cursing her, or running down her accomplishments. The abuser will tell the woman she is stupid and unable to function without him. This may involve waking the woman up to verbally abuse her or not letting her go to sleep.

12. RIGID SEX ROLES: The abuser may expect the woman to serve him, perhaps saying the woman must stay at home, or saying she must obey in all things—even things criminal in nature. The abuser will see women as inferior, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.

13. DR. JEKYLL & MR. HYDE: Many women are confused by their abuser’s “sudden” mood changes—they may think the abuser has some mental problem because one minute the abuser is really nice and the next minute the abuser is exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who abuse their partners, and can serve to further intimidate or frighten their partners.

**The following four signs are found in those who are certainly batterers.

**14. PAST BATTERING: An abuser may say he has hit women in the past, but it was the woman’s fault or it was only one time. The woman may hear from relatives or ex-partners the person is abusive. A batterer will beat any woman he is with if the woman is with him long enough for control to be established and violence begin: situational circumstances do not make a person abusive.

**15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: This includes any threat of physical force meant to control the woman; “I’ll slap your mouth off”, “I’ll kill you”, “I’ll break your neck”. Though most people do not threaten their partners, a batterer will try to excuse threats by saying “everybody talks like that”.

**16. BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS: This behavior is used as punishment (breaking loved possessions), but mostly is used to terrorize the woman into submission. The abuser may beat on tables with his fist, throw objects around or near the woman. Again, this is a very remarkable behavior—there is a great danger when someone thinks they have the “right” to punish or frighten a partner.

**17. ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: This may involve a batterer holding a woman down, physically restraining her from leaving a room, any pushing or shoving. The abuser may hold the woman against the wall and say “you’re going to listen to me!”.

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A site that provided ample information and validation for me: Dr. Irene’s Verbal Abuse Site. (I am honored she has given me permission to reprint this invaluable information.)

Signs of Verbal and Emotional Abuse

by Dr. Irene Matiatos with a former Client who’s been there, done that

featured on http://www.obgyn.net/women/features/signs.htm

Do you wonder if your relationship may be abusive? Ask yourself the questions below. If you answer ‘yes’ to more than a few, you may want to take a closer look:

Does your partner:

Updated May 2001 ignore your feelings? disrespect you? ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke, or that you have no sense of humor? ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class? withhold approval, appreciation or affection? give you the silent treatment? walk away without answering you? criticize you, call you names, yell at you? humiliate you privately or in public? roll his or her eyes when you talk? give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or family? make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even when you don’t feel well? seem to make sure that what you really want is exactly what you won’t get? tell you you are too sensitive? hurt you especially when you are down? seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you? have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent reason? present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders? “twist” your words, somehow turning what you said against you? try to control decisions, money, even the way you style your hair or wear your clothes? complain about how badly you treat him or her? threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out? say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad? ever left you stranded? ever threaten to hurt you or your family? ever hit or pushed you, even “accidentally”? seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each other? abuse something you love: a pet, a child, an object? compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure? promise to never do something hurtful again? harass you about imagined affairs? manipulate you with lies and contradictions? destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances? drive like a road-rage junkie? act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors? question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence? interrupt you; hear but not really listen? make you feel like you can’t win? damned if you do, damned if you don’t? use drugs and/or alcohol involved? are things worse then? incite you to rage, which is “proof” that you are to blame? try to convince you he or she is “right,” while you are “wrong?” frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding? treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should be provided on demand regardless of how you feel?

Your situation is critical if the following applies to you:

You express your opinions less and less freely. You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when and how to say something. You long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your partner to emerge. You find yourself making excuses for your partner’s behavior. You feel emotionally unsafe. You feel its somehow not OK to talk with others about your relationship. You hope things will change…especially through your love and understanding. You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of reality. You doubt your own judgment. You doubt your abilities. You feel vulnerable and insecure. You are becoming increasingly depressed. You feel increasingly trapped and powerless. You have been or are afraid of your partner. Your partner has physically hurt you, even once.

If you feel your relationship may be verbally and emotionally abusive, talk to people you trust. Talk to clergy, call your local battered women’s shelter, educate yourself, seek professional help. Do not allow verbal and emotional abuse to escalate to battery!

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I know this is such an unpleasant subject. Yet, what if something you read here today helps you touch the life of a girlfriend…a sister…a daughter? Abuse in any form is dangerous and we have a duty to educate and protect ourselves.